Crazy Curvy Road

If anyone asks me, ‘What would you have done differently in your life?’ I will answer firmly, ‘Nothing.’

Looking at my life, you might wonder why. I’ve done some silly things, and I’ve done some stupid things. I haven’t always followed the smoothest road. In fact, my life has been on crazy, curvy road that never goes anyplace fast, never does it the easy way, and never stays put for very long.

This might not sound like the best type of life, and in the past I have wished for it to be different. Three years after earning my bachelor degree, I am finally figuring out what might be a good career match for me, and getting started. Other kids from my high school are already five years into their careers. I’ve moved four times in six years, while many people my age have already settled into their first home. Some are building families, some are building careers. I am just drifting, trying to find a fit.

It seems like I always do things the slow way. Sometimes, years after I have read a book or taken a class, some point the teacher or author made finally, finally clicks. It took me eighteen years to crack the shell of shyness I lived in. It was ten years before I let someone else actually read my writing.

Life is a climb up a high mountain, and everyone must make their own road. For years I wanted to be one of those people who forge up the straight, simple path. Know yours goals, do what you need to achieve them. These people go into college with half a year of credit from AP classes, never change their major, and have years of practical internship/volunteer experience when they step into the career market upon graduation.

I can’t seem to stay on the straight path. The side trails and detours look too interesting, and I have to stop off. Yet I am beginning to realize that this is my way, the only way I can take, and the straight, simple path is not good for me.

I would never have found the career I love on the straight path-a crazy detour brought me to it. Life isn’t so much about getting to the top of that mountain to survey all that you have achieved. Life is a journey where you learn that each experience builds upon the next. As frustrating as some of our experiences are, they shape us and prepare us. Everything works together to lead me up that mountain, even though it seems like a strange, jagged path to take.

I couldn’t be where I am today without that crazy road. More importantly, I wouldn’t be happy where I am today if my path had taken me somewhere else. What look like failures, troubles, detours, wasted time, are all building blocks that we can use to pull ourselves up.

It is a crazy, curvy road. But it is the only road for me.

Leaving

It is always a bittersweet feeling to pack up your things and move to a new place. Even when I'm going somewhere good, somewhere fun and exciting, it is hard to leave. In order to move on, grow up, go forward, we must leave some things behind. We cannot pick everything up and take it with us--the old life doesn't fit inside the new. We must leave the good and the bad behind in order to find something different.
Or else we never move, never change.
Moving is a time for purging. Get rid of all those clothes you don't wear anymore, the tools or toys you haven't touched for over a year. I haven't wanted these things, sometimes I even forgot I had them. Yet when I sit there, ready to put them in a box and send them away, my hand hesitates. Some part of me wants to keep it, to hold on to the memory it carries. Leaving things behind, even things that need to be left, isn't always easy.
Getting new things is fun. Christmas is every child's favorite holiday. Yet in order to make room for the new, we must abandon the old.
As I pack up bags and boxes of things, and throw half of it away, I can't help but wonder how much extra baggage I have in life. What ideas, dreams, hopes am I holding onto that need to be let go? What new skills, talents, experiences am I missing out on because I can't let go of what I have?
Dr. Who, an immortal alien from a BBC sci-fi show, says it best. Everything has its time, everything dies.
Jesus said, a seed must die before it can grow.
Moving means leaving. Beginning something new means putting an end to something else.
We have to die to live.
So as I pack up and get ready to move my many, many things, I also leave some good things behind. A lovely house, good neighbors and friends I have made here. But I say goodbye with a smile, because I'm moving on to something new. We're always leaving, becasue we're always moving.

Tired

It is amazing how much effort it takes to heal. This past week I have been exhausted, all because of four tiny holes in my leg. The cat bite isn't that big, and it doesn't even hurt that much any more. But it still saps my energy as my body uses all of its resources to repair the damage. When we are injured and trying to heal, it affects our entire body, not just the injured area.

The same thing happens with spiritual injuries. When we suffer, maybe from a broken relationship or having an argument at home, it hurts. And that hurt can affect every part of our lives, not just things that have to do with the person who hurt us. We get snippy with people we shouldn't be mad at. We get tired and don't want to be bothered helping someone else. Our work is substandard. We have a hard time smiling.
You think you are alone in your hurt, but that's not true.

The same goes for the church. As the Bible says, the church is a body. When one member is hurting, everyone will feel it.

God made us to be connected, and that is good. It is good for the hurting, and for the people around them.

Those who are in need get the sympathy, comfort and help they need because the body feels their pain. I always know that no matter what happens, I can go to church and the people there will stand with me. They will provide meals after a funeral or during an illness. They will help out with rides and babysitters and even offer up a place for someone to stay in their own home. The way the body works, giving its resources to those in need, is a beautiful thing. Everyone is stretched a little thing, but no one goes without. Needs are met.

For some, this appears to be a bad thing. Why should I have to feel another's pain? Why does their dysfunction ruin the peaceful, happy church atmosphere?
We are most blessed when we bless others. In helping someone in need, we can learn so much. There is no greater peace that to be totally exhausted at the end of a day of fulfilling, meaningful work. This is true rest, not to be lazy on vacation but to lay back and know that every piece of your energy went to a good cause.

Helping to heal others can help heal our own souls. When you help, you know that help is there. When you give, you meet others who are also willing to give. Through building these connections you learn that you never need to be alone. Reaching out to others builds a support network that you can fall back on when you are the one in need.

The Problem with Theology

It’s a sticky, complicated subject. Sometimes, I think it would make just as much sense if I tried to read a theology book upside down, or backwards. There are some really smart people out there who have tried to define or explain God, but it’s such a deep subject that it’s impossible to get to the bottom of it. Sometimes, I think theology can be uplifting and enlightening. My earlier commentary on the idea of Jesus having two wills proves this.

Yet sometimes I can’t help but think that theology is totally and completely unnecessary. It is a side issue, something that we can debate and ponder and maybe use to learn more about God. But in the end, it is essentially meaningless.

The Bible doesn’t actually give very precise theological teaching. After Jesus left and his apostles began teaching, lots of new people were getting into this Christianity idea. They thought about this new teaching and what it meant, and they came up with a bunch of different ideas. They started trying to explain and define all this stuff.

Jesus is the son of God. Okay, what does that mean? A guy called Arius taught that Jesus was a created being, that there was a time when God existed and Jesus didn’t. Other people said Jesus always existed, ’begotten, not made.’ There is God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and these three are somehow one God. How does that work? One being acting in three different roles? Three distinct personalities? A hierarchy with the Father on top and the Holy Spirit on the bottom? An equal relationship between the three?

The Bible doesn’t spell it out nice and clear, so everyone else tried to. They held big councils and voted on which theory to accept and which not to. They excommunicated people over this stuff.

But none of it has anything to do with why Jesus came to earth and the life he wants us to live or the salvation he was us to attain. We don’t need to be able to define God or understand how the trinity works, how the incarnation occurred. We need to accept that it is real, that it did happen, and act on it. Faith isn’t as much about what you believe as it is about what you do. Faith is belief in action, and all those theological things don’t matter next to the big one. The one command Jesus gave.

Love. Love God. Love your neighbor.

When we put God first, he will lead us in the way he wants us to go. When we put our theology, our theory, or church doctrine first, we sin.

Trust in the lord and lean not on your own understanding.

Follow the Lord and he will make your paths straight.

Why do we try to define the indefinable? We are not called to a deep philosophical understanding. We are called to action.

Action defines faith, James said.

Do my will, Jesus said, or you have no part in me.

If you come to Christianity from the wrong direction, you’ll think its complicated. All these doctrines and creeds. Books and books of theology, Christology, Mariology. But it’s really, really simple.

Jesus loves you. He wants to teach you how to love. Become his student and he will provide everything you need for the rest of eternity.

Cat Attack

I have a big, fat, orange cat named Rosa. She is a gentle kitty and enjoys roaming around the back yard, especially in the evening when there are plenty of bugs to chase. There is a gray tomcat on this farm circles his territory every morning and evening, hunting. He is scrawny, only half Rosa’s size, but whenever they cross paths, the gray tom attacks. He’s a better fighter, and usually sends Rosa home bleeding.
I try to keep these two cats apart, and usually if I sit outside the gray tom won’t get too close. But last night, sitting in the grass with Rosa within arms reach, I turned around and saw the gray tom getting ready to pounce on Rosa’s tail.
When I tried to break up the fight, the gray cat just wouldn’t leave. I shouted and chased him. This usually works, but he just arched his back and growled, refusing to leave and let me get Rosa to safety. Instead, he lunged at my shin. I have several deep scratches and four puncture wounds that still haven’t stopped bleeding.
It was a stupid move, for the cat. He could hurt me, but he couldn’t stop me. I got a piece of wood and walloped him good. He finally ran off.
Why would a cat do something so dumb, like attack an animal ten times its size? In that moment, blood running down my leg, I really hated that cat. I would have crushed its head under my heel if I could.
Before he ran off, the cat ran around me and picked up a half-dead bird. He had been hunting, and I, unwittingly, was between the tom and his kill. He had fought to be able to get to his food, his sustenance.
How often do people lash out at us, and we don’t know why? How often does someone provoke us with unkind words or rude behavior, and our response is anger and hatred? We can’t see beyond our own pain. We want to crush its source, to prevent anyone or anything from hurting us again.
How often do we react without understanding what we are reacting against? In nature, unless you’re talking about a rabid or demented animal, every behavior has a logical reason. The gray tom was protecting his territory, and his food.
The next time someone hurts you, look beyond the action. What prompted the bad mood, the mean comments, the rude gesture? That person may be hurting far worse than you can imagine. They may have lost a job, lost a fight, lost a friend. They may have endured hurtful experiences that go ten, twenty years into their past and were never reconciled. They may simply be having a bad day. They might be on their way to an important job interview when you, unwittingly, block their way.
The next time someone attacks you, look beyond your own pain. Try to see the whole situation. Hold out a hand of healing instead of a hand of hate. If I could have given the gray cat his bird, he would have left me unscathed. I couldn’t see what he wanted--the food he needed to survive. Make sure that you never block someone’s way to the love and support they need to steer them through life.

Book Review: The Truth in Jesus

The Truth in Jesus by George MacDonald is a fascinating book I stumbled upon in the library stacks a few weeks ago. MacDonald was a Scottish preacher and writer during the Victorian era and his work is very insightful. I had no idea that he was such a huge influence on another of my favorite writers, C.S. Lewis. Having read Lewis and now reading MacDonald I can very much see where Lewis learned from and drew on MacDonald's work. His ideas are remarkable, and probably a bit controversial. But he always leaves room for his own error. Here is a man truly trying to draw closer to God, and bringing is audience into the journey so that they can learn as well. Like MacDonald says, since each of us are different we each have a different understanding of God and access to a special part of his soul reserved only for us, we must share this with others. MacDonald has done that beautifully. I have been prompted to re-read and reconsider certain Bible passages myself in the light of MacDonald's non-traditional understanding of them. I hope you will consider reading this book and do the same!

The version I read was edited by Michael Phillips. I found the editing to be helpful. Anyone who has read Victorian literature understands how language has changed. We don't speak or write so formally anymore, and we certainly don't make sentences that last for entire paragraphs. Phillips has broken down the complex structure without altering MacDonald's words too much, in order to make it easier to digest. This was very helpful. However, he also added commentary on each of MacDonald's chapters, and this was entirely redundant. Phillips either paraphrased MacDonald or just quoted him. In fact, two-thirds of the commentary chapters is just straight quotation, which defeats the point of commentary.

All in all a very good book and I am looking forward to reading more by MacDonald. He, like Lewis, wrote extensive non-fiction and fantasy. I pray to follow in their footsteps someday!

Beyond the Mirror

My family is made up of small people. I never saw myself as small. I never knew that my dad was short, that my mom was petite. They always seemed so big to me. I never felt small in their presence, never knew I was below average height. Until I grew up and saw adults on a different level. Until I stopped growing and everyone else just got taller. I realized that the little person in the front of the group photo-a head and shoulders shorter than the tall guy in the back-that was me.

The mirror never told me how I looked because all I could see was myself.

Now, size is not important, 4’9” or 6’2” doesn’t matter. But the superficial, physical world can teach us much.

In my actions, attitudes and personality, how do others perceive me? Am I small? Is there a truth about my character that I have missed because I can’t see past the mirror?

Our self image is always slightly skewed, at least a little. We are not always aware of what other people see when they look at us, of other people’s opinions of us.

I am the last person to tell you to worry about what other people think. Don’t worry about trying to impress people, about trying to look good or be cool. But what the people around us see in us is very important. It can be enlightening. What could we learn if we stepped out of our own shoes?

If I could see through someone else’s eyes, I might see myself being rude or arrogant when I did not intend to. I might see how a kind gesture was appreciated that I did not realize. I might be able to see the greed in my own eyes, or the compassion. The people who know me best, friends and even foes, can teach me more than I would like to admit.

Their perception of us isn’t always true, and sometimes it is more true than we would like. Either way, it is important. We need to take a look at how we interact with the world around us. Because what we do is who we are. To truly meet ourselves, we must go beyond the mirror.

Timidity's power

The forces which govern our hearts and actions are amazingly strong. Feeling, impulse, and desire account for more of what we do than logic and reason. There are two powers at work within us, two forces that have nothing to do with either logic or reason, which govern nearly every action we choose.
There is, first, courage. A noble attribute that many feel they aspire to, and is often used as a compliment. This is an impulse necessary in any hero, and often a vital theme running through story books. Like all things in story books, it is very hard to find in real life. Fairy tales and best-sellers would have us thinking that courage is a powerful force, quite common in the world and attainable for all but the weak, feeble people who disgrace themselves and become villains.
The timid, the weak, those who serve themselves and take no risks, are often reviled, belittled, and tossed to one side. No one likes a tattletale, someone who puts their own well-being before others. Everyone wants to see the small, sniveling wretch who has never been nice to anyone get his comeuppance. They do not imagine that his meanness stems from the fact that no one has ever treated him with kindness. The heroes do not see that they are at fault, because of their own cowardice.
To treat others with kindness takes courage. To be nice to the beaten and the bruised, the people who don’t merit it, is the highest form of courage. To give and not care if the person you help turns and spits in your eye. We need to see more of this courage in the world. I need to see more of it in myself. In its place, something much stronger holds sway, bends my will, and makes me less than I would like to be.
Timidity is a paradox. It makes us shrink from doing the hard things. It makes us think more of ourselves, and less of others. It implies that we are weak. Yet it is very strong. Timidity comes far swifter than courage, and lasts far longer. It is far harder to dislodge or dissuade, and rears its ugly head again and again. Just when we think we have banished it, it returns. Swallowing our fear to act with courage once will not keep it from popping up again when we least expect.